The idea of you loving me is such an absurd concept to my mind.

There are times when I can sit down and think, those moments are rare but they are real and they are what keeps me going. In these moments, I know what I want. I know how ot get what I want. I know that if I could just keep pushing, I could get everything that I want without even hardly breaking a sweat. Just push a little bit harder, that's what I tell myself.

Joni Mitchell - All I Want (with lyrics)

Were he real, I would fall madly in love with Steve-O from slc punk.

My animals desires are taking over once again. It seems so often that this wolf that I truly am inside comes out. She wants, she will take what she wants. She needs, then it is obviously already under her claws.

Punk music makes me feel strong. Hardcore makes me feel powerful. Rap makes me feel cool, like I’m accepted. I fit in. Alternative music makes me feel understood, like it actually knows something about me. All these lyrics are words that have been in my head for so long. There’s so much more. Music is real.

This is Home.

IT'S PARTY TIME MUTHA FUCKA

“I learned to let go. It was the hardest lesson of all. But I gave you my love, in silence.”

Silence -Selena Cross

I have no clarity, I have no peace. All I have is what is around me and that is all I can depend on for the moment.

So, there it is, there’s the dissolution of every opinion I have ever had. Every belief I have ever had is contradicted every day. As a teenager, you expect to have things that you lose faith in but it is so odd to think that perhaps each and every opinion you have ever had is wrong, or inadequate. I feel as though I am inadequate. All of us have formed these opinions based on movies we have seen, songs we have heard, the people around us. All of these opinions are wrong and the only true faith that we can have is in ourselves, ‘cause there is nothing that stays in our lives or on this earth for as long as we wish it too. Everything disintegrates and everything that you have ever though, all the morals and ideals that you live by are bullshit. The only things that matter are the things that are neccesities and the two things you know you could’ve live without. What those are, is up to you.

Ah, what a beautiful morning. Ah, what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling, everything's going my way.

slc punk

I can not explain this feeling, the reason it makes me this way. I am refreshed, brought back to the balance I have needed so much lately. This can’t be bad, it’s just natural. The earth gave this to me and I shall recieve it, as a gift should be.

I just want to get gone, go to college. I want to party my fucking brains out, drop acid, drink beer, do body shots, smoke a pack, smoke a bong. I want to dance, I want to fight. I want to punch someone until they stop moving. I want to scream and throw my middle finger up. I want to fuck. I want to be fucked. I want to get out of here and do whatever the fuck I want, to literally be on the brink of losing everything and pull myself up.

A secret? I still think about what it would have been like and how people would have reacted if I had succeeded in killing myself.

The bigger secret? I still believe everyone would have been happier.