I can't do anything right anymore.
I can't even finish a thought, that's why these are so short.

Just as quick as you came back in to my life, you walked right back out and stomped on me like the fucking bug I am.

"Life is hard, Kid, you gotta be harder. You gotta take it on and fight for it and be a fucking man about how you live it."

Your chest against mine. Your hands interwined with my own. Hips against hips, bone against bone, warm skin against skin. Flesh. Warmth. Feeling. Finally. I had to struggle with myself. I’m still struggling with myself. I smile. You smile. No more struggle. Lips. Flesh. Tongue. Lips. Now I’m not struggling with myself, just struggling to breathe. Nails on skin. Bad decision? Good decision? Doesn’t matter, it was worth it.

Warm. Safe. Still worth it. Warm.

Now I’m struggling not to want to love you.

We are a culture of people who puts more of our faith in drugs than friends to make us feel content. We are people who believe that smoking is something that makes us look cool, makes us feel good. All that matters is feeling good. We are a subculture of hippies that have a bad outlook. We are nothingness, we are all nothings with no hope. We are begging to get out, or else we would not take the drugs. The cigarettes in my purse, the weed in that little box over there, I don’t need them as much as I need you. When I do not have you, I need them. Need is something that none of us understand anymore, not even myself.

Smoke curls, throat burns, heads held high, we’re both laughing and smiling. If I could explain to you the facial expressions you have perfected, the beauty you exude just by dragging on a cigarette or saying one word. I would kiss the floor you walk on, I’d be your dog.

Sharing a cigarette means a lot

We all make up scenarios in our heads when we do not know the truth, and they tend to be the of the worst case. If you do not know the truth, you will assume. And even thought the truth might hurt like a goddamn knife in the side, it’s better than your head making up it’s own version. It’s not wonderland in there, it’s hell.

Good Morning Mother Fuckers :)

I don’t know what it is. I love to watch you smoke. It is a turn on. I still don’t know what it is about it though; maybe it’s the way the smoke lingers in your mouth, the way your eyes seem to droop a little bit more, maybe it’s the face you make. You are happy. You are in slight paint. I like to watch you, you’re such a fascinating creature. You are beautiful and endless. The smoke flows, just like the emotions. That is what makes it so attractive. Smoke is like emotions we feel, it fades.

The water splashes in my face, I am seeing things with new eyes. Again. Again. Again. I am awake and ready, the rest of the world is not. I wait. The day has already begun and I am still waiting. I go outside, soak up the light. Sunlight is supposed to make you happy. Well, I am just content. I am content until she’s here.

I painted, yet another, picture.
All of this was inspired by Disturbingimagines.tumblr.com :)

I do not like days where I feel like I have done nothing. It feels like a day wasted, and that is not something I want to do with my life. It is not something I like to do in general. I am not a wasteful person. I will use it up until it’s gone, I will use you up until there is nothing left. You are mine until you are ruined.

I have pushed you away, something that I swore I would never do again. I did this for myself. It is something that I have needed, something I am proud to say I did. You are not a part of me anymore. You are not a part of my life. I no longer feel like I am missing something I needed, I am no longer a person that is not whole; maybe without you, I can whole. I’m done talking about you. I’m done trying to be something that I am not for you, done trying to force myself upon someone that does not want me.

All of that being said, I will still worry about you. I hope you are happy, even though it is hard to imagine you being happy. Sometimes I don’t want you to be happy, I want you to miss me. I now know that I can’t hope for that anymore. If I resent you and hate you, I ruin the love we once had and that is not something that I want to do. Although it did not last always n’ forever like we said, what we had was real and I do not regret it. I could not regret loving you if I tried. I regret how things ended and how we treated each other, but I will never regret loving you. I will never stop loving you, I just can’t have you in my life.

This is finally goodbye. This is bittersweet.

I love the feeling of wet hair on skin and the way I feel clean when I get out of the shower. I look at my body in the mirror and although I am imperfect, it is my body; it is used but new, it is ruined for all but him but others still cherish it, it is fantasized about but still as innocent as when I was born. It is my body. I am beautiful.

A Seven Nation Army couldn't hold me back.

I painted this.

She opens her eyes and finally sees a new day, there is light and there is warmth. She feels it on her skin. Her eyes feel like they are brand new, like nothing has ever been so vibrant. She is floating, she is flying. She laughs because she’s happy, because she is at peace. There is more to life than the feelings she has known, she knows that now. She is not alone.

Sleeping Pills

I can’t hear you. You are speaking but I can’t hear. There are words but I can’t read them. Nothing is making sense but everything finally does. My eyes see but everything is far away, as if I am already in a dream. I believe because I can, not because my heart would believe if I did not force my mind to do so. My eyelids feel heavy, my shoulders droop back. I am warm and content. For once, I am tired. I am not sad, I am not awake, I am not stuck. I am tired.

This weekend has been one of the greatest of my life. I feel renewed. I felt in control by feeling out of control, I finally feel like things are going to be easier. No, I don’t have specific plans and I don’t know exactly what I am going to do but I am going to make it through. I know I’m going to be okay. I finally know that I have people by my side, people that will stay by me. I finally appreciate and recognize that for what it is, there are so few people that can say they have someone who would do anything they could for them.

Of course it is somewhat disappointing that it took what it took to set me straight and basically save my life, but I’m okay with that. If that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes…not as if I sincerely mind.

I thought I could keep fighting, I thought I could keep fighting tooth and nail. I can not fight anymore, for fear that I will die in this battle. I will lose my mind. My body, after being desecrated, will decompose. I will be forgotten. We will all be forgotten. If you had shown me a reason, a reason to keep walking, I would have walked home to you. I would have fought my way through, trudged through the death and despair. There is nothing to fight for anymore, there is no fight left inside of me.

(this is old, and completely irrelevant to how I feel in comparison to my previous posts. I just love this and was proud that I wrote it.)

I want to stand on the edge of destruction. I want to come the closest to death that I can. I want to feel an adrenaline rush, I want to scare others. I want to scare myself. I want to scare myself in to knowing what I truly want and what is best for me. I want to come back with a new confidence, be a person that no one would ever expect to come out of me. I don’t want to be a masterpiece anymore, I am going to be a fucking masterpiece.

I am a fucking warrior.

I am breathing and I am moving. As much as it hurts, I am telling you all that needs to be said. I am honest and I am not holding my punches. If it hurts, it probably should. I’ve got all I need and more. If I am sincere with myself, I AM all I need and I have a lot more than that. Why did it take me so long to realize that I don’t physically need you? My body lied to me, but my mind and heart are telling me the truth. Sand beneath my feet, dirt on my face. I am human. I am an animal. I evolved from animals. There is no one watching me, there is no one that has pre-written my story.

I love that people look down on me and think I am less than I am. I love that you call me trash. I love that you talk about me. I love that I am in your heads. You think that your words hurt so terribly. I feel nothing.

I am ready for Fall but not Winter. Winter makes me feel cold, cold and creative. It is a rare time that I can sit inside of my house and not feel like life is passing me by, because everyone else is doing the same. I can sit in my house, writing and sitting near the fire with a good book. I am alone with my thoughts and my insight and I am okay. I like to sit outside in my shorts, smoking my last cigarette. I am cold and warm and burning all at the same time. I am freezing and I like it. Some children associate winter with snow, snow with happiness. I suppose I do have happy memories of when I was little, some of the rare happy memories that I have with you. I remember rolling down the hills, the dogs following at my heels, you smiling at me and doing the same. Every happy memory however, is followed my a bad one. Even the best upset me though. It is sad that I will never have happy memories with you, that I will never be able to think of you and smile. It is that even though on some subconcious level I know that you love me, you will never be able to show me and I will always resent you for that. Winter reminds me of you. You make me feel cold and warm and like I am burning all at the same time. You make me feel frozen. You have frozen a piece of me. You have built a wall that will not come down. You built this wall, I did not.

"I feel like I'm worse than anyone. Honestly, I'm beneath them...my friends, my boyfriend. I feel like I'm not worthy of their love, because even though they love me, it doesn't mean anything. Their opinions don't matter, because they don't know. They haven't been through what I've been through...Sometimes I feel- this is awful- but I feel like I'm better than them. Superior."

We looked in to the sky and we saw what we had never recognized before, we saw a beauty that we had never realized was present before. We saw true beauty for one moment and it was one moment that would forever live in infamy in our minds. And as we stared at that sky, I felt something that I had never felt before. I felt a peace and a calm go through me, a serenity that I had never felt in my life and knew I would probably not feel this again, possibly for forever. I turned to him and I saw the sky in his eyes, I saw beauty and I couldn't help but want to take a piece of it. Forget the consequences.

Despite the fact that we hadn’t seen each other in months and we had both changed drastically, nothing had changed that kiss. It was exactly the same as the first time we had ever kissed, it was electric and I felt as if there was no longer gravity holding me down. The only thing holding me there on that earth was him; his perfect jaw, his strong arms, his warm body against mine. He held me there, just as he always had. For one perfect moment, it was as if nothing had changed and I swear I could’ve stayed in that moment forever. I could’ve stayed locked in his arms and never been unhappy, because it was all I had ever asked for. Just as quickly as it seemed to have happened though, it was over. I wish I had heard your thoughts in that moment, I truly wish I had.

I don't know what the word peace means because honestly, I've never found it so far in my life. Have you? It seems, to me at least, that life is a series of downs with occasional ups, but those ups are so very rare that we're amazed when they actually seem to happen. Life is a rollercoaster. You never stay up but when you're there, it's the greatest feeling in the world and you pray to who ever is up there watching over us that it won't end, but we all know that it's going to even if we don't want to admit it. Not only is it a rollercoaster, it's a maze. It's complicated and confusing and it whispers to you, leading you and convincing you to go so many different directions but it never tells you which way will lead you to those ups and which way will lead you to the downs. It whispers to you in a seductive tone that you must continue your journey on but that it can not give you a way to chose. Yet, another side of life whispers that you can stop now. You don't have to go on. It will give you an answer but it can not until you give up your life, until you surrender your humanity.

I miss Fall, I miss feeling brand new. They say that fall is a time for death but I feel completely opposite. The leaves on the ground, the smells in the air. I feel brand new. I feel refreshed and as though my world is being reborn. I feel whole and warm, even if it’s cold outside. It is my favorite season. I love to take photographs of the streets covered in leaves, the trees bare, the grass no longer green. I do not consider the pictures beautiful because I have taken them, but beautiful because of the world itself. If there were ever a time to believe in God, it would be when I look through that lense and see the world more clearly than I ever have before.

The smell of fall is everything you could ever hope for. It’s like…well, frankly, it’s like even if my whole world feels like it’s crashing, I can take the time to just smell the air and for a moment everything is okay.

My name is ingrained in your skin, you will never forget. For this, I am proud. For this, I will smile.

With him, it is Love. With you, it is Animal. When I kiss you, it is because I feel, some part of my body feels as though I need you. I need your flesh against mine, your bones against mine. It is passionate, yes. Is it deeper than that? No. Could it be? I’m not sure.

Stop worrying about whether or not two people of the same gender are sleeping together and having a relationship when it’s not even remotely relevant to your life and threatens you in no way, shape or form. Start worrying about the people who are dying for this fucking country, a country that in my opinion doesn’t even deserve to have blood shed for it anymore. I appreciate and adore this place more than I can explain and fuck you if you think I’m unamerican. I’m not unloyal to my country, I’m just right.

I can not use the word carefree because I do not know or understand the definition. I am not carefree, none of us are, except for those of us who do not have anything worth living for. I worry that our civilization is crumbling. I worry that the world will never understand me, that I am fated to pretend that I am someone and something that I am not. I worry that we have all fallen to ignorance and hatred, that we so easily judge because the world has ignited a fire that can not go out. A fire caused by fear and misinterpretations. I fear that Love is such a far off concept that no one I know that deserves it will find it. I fear that I am losing faith in humanity and that I am completely justified in doing so.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9GH-yvPHSY

Time to Pretend -MGMT
beautiful.

"We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we’d learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did."


-Looking For Alaska (John Green)

So many people use the term “best friend,” “true love,” “love of my life,” etc…I’m not saying that all of them are wrong but this words have sincerely lost all of their meaning because they’re thrown around. Best friends means nothing anymore. You’re friends for a day and then you talk about each other as if you hated one another. I despise the society that we live in today. That’s not to say that everyone is so flawed, but people do not appreciate things the way they seem like they used to. Love is nothing to people when it is the world to others. Don’t say you love someone after a day of knowing them unless you know with every fiber of your being that this person was meant to be in your life. I do not love cautiously or love conditionally but I do not tell people that I love them when I do not. I do not call someone my best friend and not stay by there side for as long as I can. Loyalty is a word that very few seem to understand. Sometimes I wonder if this world should be scrubbed of friendship, maybe we should all just be left alone. And when we finally rediscovered that we can seek comfort and companionship, we would value friendship and a new Love would arise. Love would be renewed, reborn from the ashes.

Madness fills my heart and soul, as if the Great Divide could swallow me whole.

I want to be able to trust you. I want to be able to give myself to you, because I think that’s what you deserve. I want to be able to love you the way you should be loved. You’re beautiful, in a lot of ways. I just want to tell you though, I still love him. I will always love him. He will always be a huge part of my life and the first person I ever loved. I’m not telling you this to discourage you or to imply that I will always pick him, I just want to warn you. For a long time, he will still come first…but if you become to person that pushes him to second, you’re going to stay first and I won’t look back.

You’ve just got to understand, I don’t want to hurt you and that has never been my intention with anyone in my life. I want to tell you this because I do love you so. I want to tell you this because he’s still home to me, he’s the only one who didn’t throw me away, even if he might be doing it a little bit now. I can’t be the one that just gets thrown away anymore.

The feeling of blood trickling down my forearm, the feeling of metal against my skin, the feeling of it sliding against my flesh…sometimes, I miss it. It’s not because I’m crazy or because I want to die, it’s just a time when I feel safe. It’s a time when I don’t think about everything else. I won’t do it again because I promised you but I think about it. I think about it a lot.

Because I sincerely lack creative thought lately, due to the overflow of worries and anxiety that I’ve been dealing with, I was looking at topics to write about. I came upon one that sincerely puzzled me. What is important to me? Of course I could answer the usual and generic answers; my family, my friends…and as much as that would be true, it just wouldn’t be the answer I believe that question deserves. It would be pointless to just answer those things, without questioning the question itself.

Now, I have never been one to believe in self reliance. I think it is healthiest to have people around you, people that you can trust and people that you can Love. I don’t think that humans function well without Love, Companionship, etc…however, that is not to say that they don’t function. All we need is oxygen and sustenance. We all value friendship and family, but they are not things that we need. So, should the things that are most important to you in your life be the things that you need or the things that you want?

I do not need Music, but I value it above most things. I do not need my family, but I value and love them more than words can express. I do not need my friends, but sometimes I feel as though I would go insane without them.

They are all important to me but they are not what I need. This is just me going on a pointless tangent, but I need to know what the true defintion of these words are. Love, Importance, Value. Does anyone truly know?

I’m from Roanoke. It’s a really small town in Virginia. For most of my life, I’ve spent a lot of time saying, “I can’t stand this place. I can’t wait until I can get out. Oh God, it’s so boring here. WOE IS MY LIFE.” But anyway, I am still fifteen and all but if I really think about it, it won’t be that long until I AM out of here on my own and it scares me out of my mind. As boring as it is here, as dumb as some of the people are, as much as I would like to expand my experiences and etc…this is home. This is where I am safe. This is where I was born and raised. This is where my roots are. I have walked on these streets and called them my own. I know this area like the back of my hand. What would I do without this stupid little town?

“I know how lucky I am, acknowledge it and yet still let everything get to me. I never see the bright side of anything anymore and I feel like I hate everyone. I feel like no one cares and the people that do care, I end up pushing them away. I waste my time caring about people who don’t give a shit about me. I know I’m a good person and yet I belittle myself so I can finally believe that I am not good enough for you…when in all seriousness, I could be the best fucking thing for you. I know I’m good at certain things and I just choose to ruin them, instead of going after them. I let him play with my head. The saddest part though, is that if you came to me now and asked me to die for you, I’d kiss you goodbye and do it.”