The power of music is incredible to me, but not nearly as incredible as the power of kindness.

I love you so much but in the back of my mind, I have so many back-up plans. I think about these back-up plans so often too. As much as I say I trust you…well, I do with certain things, but I don’t trust you with not leaving me. I feel as though you could walk out any minute, I hate that I’m the one always on my toes. You just, you just don’t even care, do you?

I’ve never felt as good as I feel on stage, other than when I’m with you of course. The nerves, the adrenaline. It’s almost as good as sex, as good as your lips on mine. I could live on that stage, I could stay in that place forever. The stage literally feels like my second home and I love that feeling. I love the smells and the sensations of that place. I love that, no matter who I am there with and whether I have known them for a long time, we are best friends. We are family. I love the person I become. I love the person I am, the real person that is underneath it all. I am positive and loving, witty and real. I love being an actor, I love being a performer. I don’t care if this is a far off dream, I’m going for it. I’m going to go so far. As long as I believe in myself (and yes, I know there will be times when I really just can’t) then I can make it through anything.

I feel like a soldier walking down these halls, I suppose war and heroism is a somewhat large theme in my life lately. I am always on my guard, I am always ready to attack before I am attacked. I put up a wall, a wall that would separate me from the people I try so hard not to look down upon. I tell myself that I am no more superior than anyone else, that on most levels we are all equal. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I can not bring myself to believe that anymore. I can not even tell myself that as a lie and expect myself to believe it as truth. My mind has begun to work against me. All of these beautiful realizations I have made are no longer what I am sure of. All of these beautiful moments have faded, like a rose that has wilted. All of these beautiful people have turned in to dark shadows of what they used to be, including myself. I may regret little, but there are days that I do truly regret loving the people I have once loved. For now, I can never give up on them, notwithstanding how much I would like to. Like I've said many a time before and will say many a time after, love is an eternal bond in complete defiance of your will.

There is no line to be drawn, no lines that can be crossed. As they trudge through the mud, wearing their hearts, all that they are and all that they will ever be on their sleeves, they are blindly handed their fate. There is no saving them now whether the bullets penetrate or not. Their souls are lost, along with their minds. No change will come from them after they have gone. They will never come back to you, it is no matter if their bodies are here or not. They are stuck on that field and in those places. Their minds are stuck on the destruction and horror that this world truly has to offer, the kind of destruction and slaughter that we believe could only happen in movies. Some call them crazy, some say they are lost. Most of all, what they really are, is all-knowing and accepting. They have accepted this world for what it is and in their failed attempts to conserve it, their vague attempts to turn it back in to what it was, it has driven them mad.

This place makes me feel like I am worth something. Maybe all of my dreams can come true, at least for these few hours. This studio is my family, the stage is my home.

I tell my love to wreck it all, cut out all the ropes and let me fall.

And as I walked down those streets, I felt a sense of self-awareness that I had never felt before, as though I were suddenly real and alive for the first time. I was scared and warm, bewildered and fearless all in the same moment. It’s funny how these small places remind me so much of the place I wish to call home, this downtown is so alike to the place I’ve always longed to be. So, what is so different if they are so alike? People are all the same, really, no matter where you go. Maybe it’s the fast pace of it all there, yes, maybe that’s it. I just long for what I felt this evening constantly. I long to feel, as I did on this night, that although the people beside me do not know my story and do not know the person I am, we are the same. We are blood and flesh, we are real and we are all three realizing it in this moment. We know and love each other although we do not at all. I am accepted, although I am odd in alll ways. I am equal. And as we stepped in to that car, I felt more adult than I had in such a long time. I was not intoxicated or under the influence of anything, I was just having a mature evening with mature people who were not afraid to tell me about my flaws. I took a risk tonight in coming out, since I so rarely wish to be in the company of people lately, and it worked out in my favor. For one night, I am renewed. For one night, I have felt emotions that I forgot existed.

I think you are beautiful, in every way. I think your smile is wonderful, I think your voice is beautiful. I think the way you think, the way you judge, the way you dislike people and the way you are so true to yourself is beautiful. I am just not sure of how to tell you.

I can be angry and I can hate you. The best revenge, how ever, will be watching you fall to your knees and your life crumbling before you when I have had no hand in helping it to do so. The best revenge will be when I help you in the end. The best revenge is being given something to believe in, especially when that is myself.

Every comment, every harsh word, every thing makes me so much stronger…or can’t you see that.

I have found no hero in you. What I built you up to be, the pedestal I put you have been broken and lost. You will still matter, you will always be in this life. There is still love, although it is not so burning and true as it once was. Loyalty was lost and therefore trust was as well. I will no longer walk a mile to save you from yourself, I will no longer waste my time to be the friend you should’ve been. I’m not going out of my way for something or someone that consistently lets me down.

These are the same words with a different beat. This is the moment when dreams become reality, when you finally accept that what you wanted to believe were dreams were always reality.

I'm so scared of losing you. You're the only one I have faith in anymore.

I feel like you died. You’re not here, you’re not real; because of all of this, I am not here. I do not feel real. I feel alone, left behind for the wolves to feed on. The vultures crawl up on me and devour what is left of this carcus. And yet, although there are bits of me being ripped off and apart each moment, I am still waiting. I’m waiting. I’m always…I will always be waiting.

I’ve been there, when all you want is that person’s skin against yours. It is not sexual or meaningless. You just want them. Their skin is all you will ever need as soon as you touch it. You are whole when you are with them. There is nothing you can not do when you are in their prescence. Without them, you are nothing. With them, you are invincible. I have been there, to that place where your skin is all I feel I will ever need. I have been there, to that place where life is meaningless unless I am in your warm and true arms. I have been to that place where I would give it all up to save you. I have been to hell and I would gladly walk there again, with no shoes and with a lost soul. I will give you all, until I have nothing left to give.

Love is a funny thing.

I am lost. I am lost in you. I am lost in the idea of you. I am lost in the past and the person that once stood before my eyes. All of these writings and all of these words, they all have the same meanings and ideas behind them. I must be intoxicated, with violence or alcohol, to have these real thoughts flowing around me. I can not tell anyone how I feel without feeling bad anymore and it hurts so badly. Today I wanted to hit you, although you were already in pain. I cried for so long, wishing it had been me in that car. I’m still crying, truth be said. I can not tell you anything though, in fear that you would leave. Perhaps you should leave, perhaps then I could breathe. Somewhere deep down though, I feel like I need you. I feel like without you my world will shatter. The truth though, you ask? Without you my world would shatter but I believe I could also pull it back together, and it would be so much strong.

I just don’t want to be strong. I want you.

It’s funny how you can stand so tall and so perfect even when you’re injured. My knight in shining armor that has slowly become to the bane of my existence. I have never felt so lost, I have never felt such longing. I have never had such tears.

I've never been so relieved. More so though, I've never been so mother fucking angry.

These are all of the thoughts that I do not wish to enter my brain. I shove them away and push as hard as I can and yet they seem to come back. They are pests that I can not find an insecticide for. They are words that my brain can not push out. My walls will break as soon as all of this is mentioned and unlike China, my great wall will npt stand. I miss yesterday when you loved me and I loved you. I miss when loove was real, when what we felt was not mere physical attraction. I miss your words in my ear, your heart in my hand. I will never forget those sweet moments we spent.

My emotions go in the same cycle every few weeks

I will embrace that for now though and I will not give up. I will push myself as far as I can. I will do everything I need to do and even more so than that. After I have been pushed to my limits for this thing we call work, I’ll party just as hard.

I do not know what I am doing or where I am going. I do not know what you expect and I am not concerned. I am stepping where my feet fall, there is no map in front of my face. This life and this world are not something you can prepare for, no matter how much you try. I am living for the now and making myself happy. No more stress, no more worries. I just want to live and remember the life and legacy I left behind. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and I will make them so. I will do what I want, I will live for myself each and every day.

I will never forget this. I promise this to you, my soul, for the rest of your ever lasting days.

When I see your name, you horrid face, then there is violence and extensive rage inside of my small and breakable figure. There is anger and vengeance in me that I have never felt before. I have never wanted to physically harm someone so much as I wish to rip, tear, beat and bludgeon you. I hate you, despite my hatred of hate. I would kill you were I given the chance, no remorse and no regret. You are worthless and do not deserve to be.

I refuse to be a sheep, no matter if it is in your God's flock or just high school.

"Fuck society. Fuck normality. Get piercings. Get tattoos. Do drugs. Get high. Drink 'till you pass out. Have sex. Love with all your heart.

Play the music loud. Live your fucking life. Fuck what people expect of you. Do what makes you happy"

This is what my life has been reduced to, my subconcious whispers, but it has not been reduced, my brain retorts, for you are succeeding.

I am a shameless liar, but only when it comes to you, and only when it is to myself.

I have written it all before. You are my love, my light. You have helped to guide me through some of the hardest moments and have even put me in a few of them. Forget all of that though, each path has led me to you and I will stay by your side until the end of time. We will walk the road that is paved in gold and memories, righteousness and beauty together. Hand in hand, we will pull through this dark tunnel of life and find absolution. I will look in to your eyes, I will kiss you. I will love you, no matter if it is wrong or right. I would waste a lifetime, an eternity on loving you. It’s easier to believe that this is infatuation but I accept what it is, whole heartedly and will deal with the fallout and consequences of it all. For you, I would suffer. For you, I would live. Oh my sweet divinity, my forever is yours to keep.

I respect those that have lived longer than me because they have seen and have known. No matter if they have truly lived, they have regrets and can list them in order and can tell me what I am doing wrong. I may not like you. I may not enjoy your company or think about you often but I respect your age and I respect the wealth of knowledge that you are.

I want all of you. I want to know that I have all of you, with no sense of hesitation and no wonder in my mind. I want to be able to shout at the top of my lungs that you are mine and mine alone. I want to ruin you so that no one could ever want you but me. All I want is you. I would ruin you to have that. I want you to yearn for my skin and mine only. This is my dying wish, to love and be loved in return. This is my wish, to know that you love me as I have loved you.

I want to crawl out of my skin and be someone else. I want to get the fuck out of here. I want to get the fuck away from everything I have ever loved and everything I have ever wanted. I want to get the fuck away from the people who supposedly care about me.

I want to be gone and forgotten.

I don’t really have words for the level of annoyed and disgusted I am. All you have gone through does not give you the right to be this judgemental person. Nothing we all have gone through gives us the right, but especially you. Nails on a chalkboard, over and over. Your hate is fueling my own. Perhaps this world would be better without me, aggravated and ignorant as it is. It would have no one to challenge and discourage it’s corruptness. I am tired of wanting to give up, especially on you.

Annoyance creeps over me, I am tired and frustrated. Your voice like the cliche nails on the proverbial chalkboard. Please stop speaking or I do not know what my heart will desire me to do.

If you can push through my layers and be a person I admire, I will never let you go. I will admire. I will sit in awe of you. The rest of you are worthless, simply flesh and bones. You are a shell. There is nothing, nothing to respect and nothing to love both of which I didn’t intend on doing in the first place.

I am finally mature and self-aware enough that I can accept you for who you are and continue to love you righteously, as I should, without worrying myself. My mind may still conjur up horrifying and upsetting scenarios but that is only in weakness. I love you enough that I can stand firm and trust you, despite the fact that I wish to trust no one. I can sit here, as frightened and unconifdent as I always have been, and know that you love me even if you don’t show it the way I wish that you would. Perhaps one day I will receive the over affection that I long for but loving you is easy.

I don’t really have words for the level of annoyed and disgusted I am. All you have gone through does not give you the right to be this judgemental person. Nothing we all have gone through gives us the right, but especially you. Nails on a chalkboard, over and over. Your hate is fueling my own. Perhaps this world would be better without me, aggravated and ignorant as it is. It would have no one to challenge and discourage it’s corruptness. I am tired of wanting to give up, especially on you.

High school feels very lonely sometimes.

I want to tear you apart, destruction will become the only thing you understand. And then, after you have fallen to your knees out of alienation and mortification then I will help you to rebuild. You will become someone new, with parts of you old and unchangingly perfect. Recreated and finally reaching your unsurpassed glory, the glory I always knew you could be. Your wings will open and your eyes will sparkle like the way a fire glitters when it is right in front of you.

There is no respect here, no respect and no love. There is no anger and no pain. There is no feeling, none at all. We will not waste our time on these petty feelings because we realize that these outsides are just veneers and masks. We are just shells, with parts that our breaking each and every minute. Since the day we are born, we are dying. There is no need for emotion, it is just a trivial part of this pointless existence.

I have spent all this time, yearning, praying and begging. Now that I have you and all that I have ever hoped for, but is that what I truly wanted or is it the past?

Writing down another human beings life, making up a story about a name you have never known, is scary and sometimes brings out more of my demons than writing about my own life.

chemicals -tigers jaw

All Social Change comes from the passion of Individuals.

I have written it all before. You are my love, my light. You have helped to guide me through some of the hardest moments and have even put me in a few of them. Forget all of that though, each path has led me to you and I will stay by your side until the end of time. We will walk the road that is paved in gold and memories, righteousness and beauty together. Hand in hand, we will pull through this dark tunnel of life and find absolution. I will look in to your eyes, I will kiss you. I will love you, no matter if it is wrong or right. I would waste a lifetime, an eternity on loving you. It’s easier to believe that this is infatuation but I accept what it is, whole heartedly and will deal with the fallout and consequences of it all. For you, I would suffer. For you, I would live. Oh my sweet divinity, my forever is yours to keep.

The painting, full of colors and creativity, on the wall speaks to her, “smile young child, for your dreams have all been fulfilled.” These dreams, these hallucinations are nothing close to what I expected them to be. All the worries that occupy my mind, some are my dreams and aspirations, but I do not consider them fulfilled due to smoke in my lungs and life in my heart. Passion is what I need, this will guarantee me nothing. To lie down is what she prays for her, and yet her mind reels with thoughts of the faces on this wall. “You are all posing, you are not real. Your lives are based off non realities, because all of you look happy and this is just not so.” She does not respect them, and yet she wonders why she placed the pictures there herself. Perhaps in this alternate reality, the real reality that for the moment she does not and does not want to know, she loved their smiling faces. Perhaps it is what she expected her life to be. She knows, with her mind clearer than it has ever been and with her concious completely aware of what the subconcious told it, these faces have no control over her happiness and will neither encourage nor discourage it. She will make herself happy of her own volition, happiness is a journey and she has begun to tread the path. These faces are nothing.

I am so unbarealy stifled in this place. I understand why people leave, especially intelligent people. I am so thirsty for knowledge, as though my hands are reaching out and begging. My brain is begging but yet I must follow their curriculum. I must stay inside, confined in the walls that were built for me, both metaphorically and the literal structure. I look outside and see the sunlight, I know what they are teaching. I do not want to be here.

Breathe. Breathe, Move. Breathe. Think. Do not want to think. Live. Breathe. Breathe. I am always living. Pulsating in my ears, sentual and unforgiving. I miss your skin. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Do not cry. Do not want to think. I am living, but I do not feel like it. I just want to live. It has not stopped since it started, the music is just like me. Changing and unforgiving. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I see them marching back, muddy and disgruntled…I see the blood on their clothes, their faces and skin. Some are wounded and injured, some smell like death. I can see the blood, wet and warm. I can taste the blood in my mouth. I see the men, sitting around the tents they have set up, talking and rousing around with each other. I hear their stories, the men’s aspirations that will never be fulfilled and just ramblings of the men. I smell sweat, grease, blood, and soil. I don’t taste much, except some of the food that they describe and grease.

This is what my life has been reduced to, my subconcious whispers, but it has not been reduced, my brain retorts, for you are succeeding.

http://www.last.fm/listen/user/haaayeliseee/personal

high, on a Tuesday afternoon, listening to Tigers Jaw, Mr. Tambourine Man and every beautiful song that plays on my last.fm, watching Law and Order: SVU with pie, grilled cheese and my teddy bear

Perhaps it is within myself that I search for the answers I need to give to my mind, perhaps it is within my soul and true self that I enclose and am subconciously aware of the truths, lies and hopefulness that make up my existence.

Since I was born, I have lost all innocence and sense of true simplicity. My mother once read to me, of chicken soup and monsters that miss young boys, I would smile and stare at her as though I were being given a gift. I would drift to sleep, in the hopes that perhaps tomorrow she would read the same stories. I fall asleep now, thinking and worrying. Simplicity has become social networking. Happiness has come from a book and a juice box to sex and what we believe to be love.

Innocence lost, complications gained. These are the best years of our lives.

I look upon these nights and smile. Although I am alone, I am with you, in heart and spirit. As my eyes look on, my heart is the one that sees. I see beyond the heartlessness nature of those who follow each other. I see beyond the pain that has been our past and parts of our present. No matter if you walk away or your shoulders turn to ice, I will wait as I have waited. Where there is Love, there I am.