On days like this, I am not grateful for anything. Perhaps in the parts of me that I do not see I am, perhaps in the parts of me that I refuse to acknowledge I am happy for whatever your Jesus and God have given me. All I am at the surface though is angry and confused. All I want to do is break out of the walls of my cell, the walls that keep me this angry and confused person. I want to be more than the me that I am, more than the person you all know me to be. Inside my head, I know who I want to be and I imagine that I am her. Instead of the scowl on my face or a deceitful smile, there is a smile. It is a smile of genuine and true happiness, the kind of smile that not a person could refuse. I am nice to the world, for the world has given me nothing and no reason to be hateful. There is no scars that marr my wrists, face, body and soul. In my mind, I have all of these friends who would be here at my every beck and call. They are subservient. However, it is not a one way kind of thing. I am there, whenever they wish me to be. In my mind, they wish me to be every moment because they need my advice, they need my words of wisdom that always leave a sense of peace and calm resounding throughout their lives. There is no back stabbing. When we read things like Julius Caesar, we can not comprehend it, not because the words are difficult or because we are not educated but because it is such an absurd and foreign concept that people would so blatantly turn their backs to each other. It is foreign to us that a friend could viciously attack. In my mind, there is a family sitting in this room with me. They are doting on their only, their most beautiful, their most wonderful, their most intelligent and ever so talented daughter. They are not screaming, there is nothing being thrown. There are no broken dishes that so intimately resemble the appearance never seen of our broken hearts. In my mind, I am greater than the person I am. I adore even myself, even when this girl I have come to know and love is at her worst. I am crazy. This girl does not exist, this girl is chained inside of me screaming and begging to get out. This girl is clawing, kicking, crying. She is there. Of that, I am sure. I will never let her out though, because there is not a single being around me who deserves to see her. There is not a single being who would give me the kind of commitment she requires. You all leave. You filthy, dirty, ingrateful mother fuckers leave and she is not someone who can be left. She will hunt you down and ruin you. She is not everything good, she is everything just and right.