I’m trying to do everything, live up to every expectation people have ever had of me and every expectation I’ve had of myself and I’m drowning. I can smile and I can be okay, and for mere moments some times, I can completely forget about all of the things eating away at me but when I lay down on this bed, finally allow some kind of light sleep to fall over me and allow my mind to wander and speak as it please, I realize how disappointed and stressed I feel a majority of the time. I want to do well in school. I want to impress my parents. I want to go to college. I want to get out of here. I want to discover myself and have adventures, but if I truly want to pursue the career I’ve always wanted to pursue, I don’t have time for that. I want to be with my best friend. I want to let her have her own life. I want to be independent. I can’t be independent. I want to be skinnier than I am, just because I refuse to have one more reason to not feel beautiful or one more reason that people won’t find me attractive. I want to look like a super model. I want to work out. I want to go to sleep. I want to be alone. I want you to love me again. I want to work for your love. I want to try new things and not be stuck in what I may or may not want to be. I want to break the mold. I want to fit the mold completely. I want to be a good person. I want to be who ever I am, good or bad. I want to live.

I want to do all of these things and it’s overwhelming. It’s scaring me. I feel like I have so much to do and no time to do it. I feel like I’m so driven to do all of these things but I have no legitimate motivation. I feel like, honestly, I wish the world around me didn’t put all of this pressure on me. I wish I didn’t put this much pressure on myself. I wish I wasn’t so scared of growing up. I wish I felt like I was doing what I wanted. I wish I didn’t feel this way. Most of all, I just wish I could understand what it is I’m feeling and why I feel this way and change accordingly.